my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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