The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
