i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
