and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
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Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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