I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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