Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
