I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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