i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
