Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
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Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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