I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
