You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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