so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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