If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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