Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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