Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
