i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
