Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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