hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
