how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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