i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
