I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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