My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
