If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
