Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.