sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
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Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.