White coat. Heels.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
