I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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