I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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