Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
