i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
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he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
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You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I want to fling myself into the sun
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship