when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick