so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
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thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
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I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.