I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
