shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
