The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i love accidental penises.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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