i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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