he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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