Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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