Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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