I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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