I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
