don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
