wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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