They should really pass out barf bags in church
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
