I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
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If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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