I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Too much gin, very little bucket
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
