She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
