i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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