I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just had sex on a roof
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
