hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
