My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
