It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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