I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Shame - the story of my life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
