I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
