got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
