Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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