I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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