she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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